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Think
Dec. 25, 2005: Stress Relief Through Better ListeningTo those of you that celebrate Christmas or Hanukah, may your celebration be filled with joy, happiness and peace.
For many, the holiday season brings with it a package of stress. On the surface there is the certain pressure to be happy, yet underneath there may be someone that is deeply missed, or there may be family conflicts that have the potential of exploding at any time. Trying to negotiate the holiday season while walking on egg shells can be extremely stressful. Learning to diffuse a situation and improve a poor relationship may be the best gift one can give and receive.
Steven Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states that we need to first seek to understand, then to be understood. Conflicts most often involve different parties trying very hard to get their point across, which makes sense, as we all have that innate desire to be truly understood. As Steven Covey says, most of us do not listen with the intent to understand; we listen with the intent to reply so that we might be understood.
It is important to realize that our reality or truth is really only a perception. Someone else may view the same situation and come to a completely different conclusion based on their perception of the event. The map - that which is inside our heads, is not the territory, and two people's maps of the same territory may be entirely different. Truly trying to understand someone else's map may be the key to resolving conflicts. It takes a great deal of courage to stop fighting back and instead, to seek to understand the other person, as the knives initially may be coming at you thick and fast, and it is really difficult to refrain from defending yourself. It requires completely changing your thought process, going to a place of loving kindness, and understanding that the overall goal is not be right, but rather to truly understand the other person, and in the end, improve the relationship.
Empathetic listening requires listening with all the senses, figuring out the feelings behind the statements, and may involve paraphrasing back not only what is said but also your interpretation of their feelings, so that they can correct you until they are sure you completely understand what is being said. Keep listening, and reflecting back what they are saying without ever giving voice to your judgment or advice. Agreeing or apologizing is not required. Only listening and understanding is. Steven Covey describes this process of deeply listening without judgment as giving someone psychological air, and can be powerful enough to turn around relationships. Once the other person feels they have been completely heard, they will most likely be very open to listening to you, so that you too can feel heard. Only with complete understanding will any apologies be freely given, and also will those apologies probably no longer be required.
It is worth noting that often when a spouse, family member or friend wants to discuss a perceived problem, they may not looking for you to fix the problem and may not want you to jump in with solutions. They may simply want to be deeply heard. Giving them psychological air can be a very effective way to deepen your relationship.
Covey, Steven R., The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Fireside Publications, New York, New York, 1989.
Covey, Steven R., Principle-Centred Leadership, Fireside Publications, New York, New York, 1992.